For many years I suffered infertility, our son, our miracle, came after many years of waiting, and at a time that we didn't expect to become parents of a child of our own anymore. This page is for the heroes who still are dealing with this difficult task.

I experienced this as very hard to deal with. The first years of waiting, there is still hope, but when nothing seems to work, and every month again and again there is no pregnancy, thoughts are coming up that are telling you that maybe you should say goodbye to your dream...And when you come to this point, and when you are going to bury your dream, you feel as if you have buried your only child that you never have seen... You come into a process of mourning, which is breaking your heart, you never are gonna to be mommy and daddy, or grandma and granddad.....

Can you imagine that parents are losing their only child, and that there is nobody at the funeral to comfort them and to support them?  Many unfortunate couples which have to deal with infertility are feeling it like this way.

This is a heavy burden on a relationship, there are couples who grow towards one another in their grief, but there are also couples who drift apart.

People not always react tactful, with hurting remarks as:

"You can also take a pet, to cuddle and to take care of"
"It is not always nice to have children, don't romanticize it.
"Why don't you just adopt a child?"
"You think too much on it, trying too hard, you just have to let it go, relax,  and then you will become pregnant."
"You both, you can do what you want, you have enough money for holidays, buy a new car, a beautiful house,..." etc.
"You have to re-organize your life."
"Shall I come around to show you how to do it?"
"Take our children for one week, after that, you don't want children anymore!"
"These days this problem can be solved, the medical science can do so much! If you in spite of that don't have children, it is your own fault."
"If no children will come, then you go further without! Don't make heavy weather of it."
On a birthday party in a room full with people: "Do you make love enough?"

For the people who read this, and have the question: How can I support my friends who have to deal with this, I have these suggestions:

Ask them how can I help you, what do you need.
It can be difficult to be on birthday parties where is much 'baby talk'. It is nice when the persons there don't talk the whole evening about this,  and when you can change the subject, and the talk also can be about something else.
By some support before, or after a treatment in hospital, when it didn't work, or  when it is clear that there will defenitely come no children, for example by a card with a note as 'we think on you' . 

The following poems, written by me,  are reflecting the feelings where you can go through when you are dealing with infertility. 

A letter to a unborn child.

For so many years I am pregnant , carrying you, our child.
I do not know when we can welcome you here on this Earth.
Our hearts hover between hope and despair, but still you are so dearly beloved,
I witness my heart, and see so many lost dreams, but also still see my love for you

My tears leaded me to uncultivated territories, deep into my heart,
which were send to me by the little girl that I once was.
I saw her standing there, motionless, in silence,
with eyes that spoke of lonelyness, suffering and grief,
but which also were as a book that spoke of love, but nobody ever did try to read those pages...

Who can stop me, to make a start to read those pages,
and to open my heart, and in the silence to speak of love?
Who can stop me, to love you and to be with you by using my thoughts?
To be with you, my inner child, the little girl in me, and with you, my child,
to speak of love in silence, cleaned of everything that grieved me, gone with the wind.

All that is rest is love, which is helping me to letting go my tears,
love me, love me, cries my heart,
and while I cry, for lost ideals and dreams,
she speaks: I love you, love me, I waited for you such a long time, 
and while I cry, for lost ideals and dreams,
I look into my heart, where you, my child, speaks to me, and  smiles to me:

In love we all are united...

©Anneke van Nuus

Lullaby.

I am a mother from a child unseen,
we are together apart, somewhere in between.

He is living in my heart
and we will always be together, and will never be apart.

I never can hold him;
I never can laugh with him,
or sing for him.

But I am a mother of a child unseen,
we are together apart, somewhere in between.

And I am holding you in my heart,
and I am laughing to you, in spite of that we are living together apart.

Hush hush baby, hear my song for you,
hush hush baby, I will always love you....

Hush hush baby, take it with you
hush hush baby, do you love me to?

I know you do!

©Anneke van Nuus